Separation anxiety

Separation anxiety is a feeling that can be very stressful for those affected, their partners and their families. The way to overcome this fear leads through becoming aware of the emotional processes and learning new behavioral patterns.

What is separation anxiety?

Many children react with open expressions of displeasure, with crying and screaming, when it comes to a "separation". The fear of falling asleep can also be a form of separation anxiety.
© Maria Sbytova - stock.adobe.com

Separation anxiety is a great (in most cases) factually unfounded fear that both children and adults can suffer from. The fear of losing the most important caregiver, for example, often arises in children when they are brought to kindergarten for the first time and are supposed to stay there.

However, if the fears shown last much longer than usual, so that social life is decisively impaired, separation anxiety is considered pathological. Doctors classify such behavior with the child and adolescent psychiatric diagnosis "emotional disorder of childhood" with separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety is not uncommon in this phase of life and in most cases goes away quickly. However, there are also cases in which the separation anxiety persists over a longer period of time and still occurs during school days. In adulthood, separation anxiety is also relevant in interpersonal relationships.

Separation anxiety often affects one (or both) partners, especially in very low-conflict relationships. As soon as the partner wants to realize himself more strongly, the partner feels threatened with greater separation anxiety. Even if loyalty or breaking up is not an issue, jealousy and panic can ensue.

causes

It is difficult to pinpoint a reliable trigger for separation anxiety. An anxiety disorder is always based on a complex interaction between the environment and a person's emotions. Very shy and introverted children and adults have a higher risk of developing anxiety.

It is not uncommon for people with separation anxiety to be very “alienated” even in early childhood. Children affected by separation anxiety often fear that something might happen to their parents while they are away. If the parents do not solve these situations competently out of ignorance, but simply avoid fear-inducing situations, the offspring cannot learn how to deal with their fear of being alone.

Of course, experiences of rejection and actual loss can also have a traumatic effect and thus contribute to the development of separation anxiety. If separation anxiety is found in adult relationships, it is often caused by the feeling that a single person cannot take care of himself. The fear of loss creates emotional dependence.

Symptoms, ailments & signs

If children suffer from separation anxiety and do not want to go to kindergarten or school in the morning, then it is very likely that they do not give the real reason (their fear), but develop psychosomatic nausea, headaches or abdominal pain.

Many children also react with open expressions of displeasure, with crying and screaming, if a “separation” is to occur. The fear of falling asleep can also be a form of separation anxiety. To avoid the nightly drama, sleeping in the parents' bed is a short-term solution that does not reach the root of the separation anxiety.

The same applies to adult relationships where separation anxiety is an issue. Either the fear is not shown openly. In these cases, most of the time, the separation anxiety person tries to avoid the conflict in order to definitely maintain the relationship.

The person affected by separation anxiety does not admit to being open about their feelings and desires. If the fear of separation is shown openly, it can in turn lead to scenes that put the other under pressure and are supposed to make them give in. Both are conceivable.

Diagnosis & course of disease

Separation anxiety is recognized in situations in which a (very short) separation is announced and the other person (child or adult) reacts disproportionately. Fear is an intense human feeling. We can use fear to recognize threats and thus ensure survival.

People affected by separation anxiety have an irrational need for security that is actually already guaranteed. Now if the help is to give in, the behavior solidifies.

Complications

A pronounced separation anxiety is a great burden for the person concerned as well as for his relatives and friends. Affected children often develop psychosomatic complaints such as nausea, headaches or abdominal pain. If the separation anxiety is not dealt with therapeutically, psychological ailments often arise that can persist into adulthood and significantly limit the person affected in his or her life.

Adults who suffer from separation anxiety create stress and anxiety in their partner. In the long run, the partnership suffers and new conflicts arise again and again, which in most cases lead to separation. Such an incision is a traumatic experience for the person concerned.

Without psychological help, mental disorders (e.g. inferiority complexes or social fears) can develop. In individual cases there is a risk of suicide - not only due to the emotional pain that the person concerned feels, but often also as a kind of defiant reaction to the separation. Drug treatment for separation anxiety can be associated with short-term or permanent personality changes. Fatigue and numbness are typical side effects of antidepressants that significantly reduce the quality of life, at least temporarily.

When should you go to the doctor?

The fear of losing a loved one is considered a natural feeling.If two people separate because of a move, the end of a relationship or a possible death, many are helpless in the face of the development. In most cases, the events can be overcome through the support of the social environment. A doctor or therapist is not required. Conversations, the process of understanding and accepting the situation lead to a relief of the symptoms after a few weeks or months. It is a natural process that does not require medical care.

However, if massive complaints or problems arise, therapeutic help is indicated. In the event of behavioral problems, changes in weight, withdrawal behavior or indifference, we recommend consulting a doctor. Depressive behavior, panic reactions or hysterical behavior are considered to be worrying. A doctor should be consulted if sleep disorders, vegetative irregularities, concentration disorders or headaches occur.

The person concerned needs help in the event of an inner restlessness, the experience of persistent suffering or the trembling of the limbs. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea or internal tension are signs of impaired health and should be discussed with a doctor. If the usual obligations can no longer be fulfilled, a doctor should be consulted.

Treatment & Therapy

Separation anxiety occurs when separations are feared. Since these fears of being abandoned are usually unfounded, it is important to address the topic and thus bring the diffuse fears into clarity. Giving in and avoiding are not good ideas. This applies to both children and the partner affected by separation anxiety.

Rather, it is about creating positive new experiences in order to develop new conditioning. Parents can learn to create necessities for their children to face challenges. You can convey to the child that you trust him to deal with the “separation”. In adult relationships, it is also helpful to have many clarifying conversations if separation anxiety is recognized.

If the relationship is based on loyalty and honesty, then a partner's separation anxiety will not pose a threat. In very few cases professional help from a therapist is required. If this is the case, then therapy will try to find out the cause of the fear.

You can find your medication here

➔ Medicines to calm down and strengthen nerves

prevention

Preventive measures to avoid separation anxiety are the acquisition of skills that aim at a person's independence. For children, this can be shopping at the bakery or spending the night with friends. Adults should learn to stand on their own two feet. In a relationship, each partner should have the space to realize themselves and to have their own experiences.

Aftercare

After therapy for separation anxiety, consistent follow-up care is important in order to prevent the symptoms from flaring up as effectively as possible. Follow-up care can be coordinated with the treating therapist. Attending a self-help group can also be very useful: People who have or had the same problems with separation anxiety can support one another and give helpful tips.

Conversations with the partner in aftercare are often also a means of combating separation anxiety. Doubts about the loyalty and loyalty of the partner can often be overcome right from the start, before strong separation anxiety develops. Two further aspects are important for people with separation anxiety, which should be particularly integrated as pillars of aftercare.

On the one hand, the patient's self-confidence must be strengthened in such a way that they are not afraid of being alone and that, in the event of a real separation, they develop the feeling of being able to cope well with themselves. This reduces separation anxiety in many cases. In addition, it is also very important to have social contacts outside of the partnership and to reactivate or even expand them in the aftercare. So the focus is not on the partner alone. Feeling cared for in a social network can also help prevent separation anxiety.

You can do that yourself

Separation anxiety is a phenomenon in which those affected can often noticeably improve their situation through self-help in everyday life. Knowing the reason for separation anxiety is especially helpful in this context.

If the cause is a lack of self-esteem or a feeling of not being able to be alone, means that strengthen self-confidence are often helpful. Hobbies and company with friends are suitable to put the social contacts on a broad basis. The fixation on your partner as a common cause of separation anxiety can be reduced in this way.

If the cause of the separation anxiety lies in the partner himself, conversations are often the right way to go when it comes to discussing the fear of separation. Friends and other confidants are also often helpful people to talk to when discussing this very personal problem. If the problem is not only linked to the current partner, but has also occurred in previous partnerships, this system can possibly also be discussed in a targeted manner in a special self-help group for partnership problems.

Serenity and trust are important factors in creating a relaxed relationship without separation anxiety. Classic relaxation methods such as PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation according to Jacobsen) or autogenic training can be helpful here. Practicing yoga regularly can also help.